My bio up there is a mouthful, isn’t it?
I’m the first to admit it’s difficult to describe the various shapes of projects and creative endeavors I immerse myself in. Finding your niche and specializing in it seems to be the prevalent advice, yet I’ve never been one to fit well into boxes.
(Not even those of binary gender.)
Anyway, for now I embrace the diversity of my creativity. I’m a ‘Jay of all trades’, so to speak! Maybe life will lead me to a more well-defined area, but until then I happily follow my Muse where she takes me.
Summer 2018 hangs bright and warm over the city of Berlin. The sunshine makes my depression easier to cope with, yet I am still in the midst of my eating disorder.
That evening, the self-help group I’ve been attending for months convenes on the balcony of our assigned room. One face catches my attention: male, early 30s, scrawny, with a blue zip hoodie over a plain tee and wearing the same model of glasses as I do. …
Like so many new to the scene of BDSM subculture, I thought that I needed to be dominant if I wanted to remain a card-carrying member of the feminism squad.
Fortunately, the fanfic (i.e. fan-written stories about existing narrative universes) I read in my formative years quickly showed me how equal both parts of the dynamic are. Sure, the lifestyle focuses on a power imbalance, but the give and take of D/s relationships are only possible if both parties consent.
Doms aren’t better than subs and vice versa — it’s the play between the parties that makes this practice come…
When I finally managed to lose a considerable amount of weight at the age of 17, I didn’t expect this supposed success to derail my life into one of constant binging and purging.
Some moments when I was neck-deep in my eating disorder and all my attempts to stop kept failing, I thought I’d never get out of this alive.
Now, at 29-going-on-thirty, I have been over 22 months relapse-free. Time to share — briefly, since our collective attention spans have considerably decreased — some of the lessons I learned during this phase of my recovery.
A quick side note…
The older you get, the less of an issue a large age difference becomes. Imagine an 18-year-old and a person in their late 40s together. Peculiar, I’d say, bordering on icky. Yet if you put a 50-year-old next to someone in their 80s, it inspires more of a ‘So what?’ reaction in me.
When my sister, who is eleven years older than me, started dating a man who is about 15 years older than her, there were a number of raised eyebrows.
Out mother especially took issue with the age gap.
By now, the two of them are happily married…
When I see myself in pictures, my default reaction is to criticize. To ‘compare and despair’.
I spent over a decade obsessing over my body, starving myself, and struggling with bulimia because of it, then tried to achieve “body positivity” at the beginning of my recovery. Being happy about something you’ve actively loathed for so long, however, is tough. Impossible, I’d say.
What I’m aiming for now is what Jameela Jamil and other activists (and Taylor Swift) call “body neutrality”, i.e. being neutral towards your body. I don’t celebrate it and call it beautiful since I don’t believe that. Yet…
The moment I enter his flat, I know we’re going to vibe. He has beautiful dark fantasy posters on his walls, a back-lit flatscreen setup, and — be still my nerdy heart — a Sorting Hat replica on the sideboard.
Once we kiss, my instinctual feeling that we’re compatible is confirmed. My body responds to his touches, revels in the scrape of teeth on skin, and I manage something I barely ever do: I surrender myself fully to the moment.
Maybe that’s why my rectum figured it’s okay to expel some poop.
I refuse to be embarrassed about writing this…
Growing up with two bigger sisters, sex has never been a mystery to me. They are eleven and fourteen years older than I, and of course learned about the ‘facts of life’… um, in school.
I kid you not: My oldest sister had to wait until sex ed in fifth grade for the revelation that nope, it’s not the stork who brings the babies.
Obviously, she was adamant her siblings would be spared a similar fate.
Which is why, when I was eleven, both of them gifted me a book called “Ganz schön aufgeklärt!” (since we’re German) that took me…
When my colleague texts me that he’s done, once and for all, that he’ll quit that night, my first thought is: “Good on you!”
This colleague – let’s call him Dan — took the leap from employee to contractor when he enrolled for a degree in event management in 2019. His first real-life trial went splendidly: an eSports tournament in our small town’s arthouse cinema, supported by the theater manager and okay’d by the owner.
Our Boss is good at improvising and suggested we follow the Germany-wide trend of drive-in cinemas. Dan agreed to take on the majority of the…
Yes, you read correctly. I’m making porn now.
Visual pornography has always held a certain fascination for me. As a filmmaker, the logistics and processes of shooting such explicit material seemed mysterious, the motivation behind the participants merely money-driven.
For me, writing scripts hasn’t been about money in ages, so my curiosity about the porn industry vanished along with my ambitions to win an Oscar.
Yet somehow, the universe nudged me back onto this path… albeit in a very different manner.